Check & Check.

- Wrote

- Snuggled with Stinky

- Enjoyed the rain

- Made brownies

- Jumped in the pool

- Ate brownies, drank milk

- Graced a thrift store with my presence

- Visited Sister’s Art Show

- Watched Oscar

- Downloaded Google Chrome

- Learned that it'll rain all weekend

- Realized it’s only Friday!

joy has been found

I am tired. But none the less I've been blessed with eyes this week; eyes to see God & His goodness. Thanks Jesus!

I love how the Lord is enough; now lead me to parade about in that joy! The joy that is yours, the joy that you have showered upon us!

Here is a song we sang to Him this evening; I like it:

Your Presence is Our Joy

Compared to You Lord, we are but a breathe

Here we are in need of rest.

Draw near Lord, draw near

Draw near Lord, we invite you in.

Holy Spirit Come

Heal our guilty hearts

Lead us to the cross

Fill us with your love

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Holy Father we are full of sin

It steals our joy Lord, oh brokenness

Draw near Lord, draw near.

Draw near Lord, we invite you in.

Holy Spirit come

Heal our guilty hearts

Lead us to the cross

Fill us with your love

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Your presence is our joy!

Your presence is our joy!

Your presence is our joy!

Your presence is our joy!

Hallelujah, hallelujah

:)

Being sick.

I was gonna say "is no fun", but its actually been kinda entertaining!!

The other night I watched Knowing with Nicholas Cage. Well, he wasn't here, he was in the movie... anyways! It's about him knowing when the end of the world is & feeling like he needed to do something to save people.
Well, I watched it right before bed & the whole night I kept waking up feeling like I needed to save people; only I couldn't cause I was sick. In the morning I was glad to realize that a crazy movie + me being sick = crazy dream, & not a reality of me needing to save the world single-handedly. That's a lot of pressure you know!

Boggle

So the last few months, God has been changing a lot of things in my life. It has been difficult, & definitely uncomfortable; yet through it all, good. But now I feel I have kinda gotten to the point, that if this life were a game of boggle, we are in the last of the settling phase; trying to get that one last letter to just straighten up a bit. By no means is that to say that what lies ahead is easy (for all i know this board may be filled with Qs, Ws, Zs . . . . all next to each other with no vowels to be found!), but I am ready to see what it holds.
Life is new, life is challenging, & it is most certainly beautiful!
Let's go!!

The Art of Asking

The art of asking is something that is something that I have been working to grow as of late.

a. The art of asking – delegation: Being “in charge” of this after school program, & co-interning at the Rock has placed responsibilities on me that were not previously there. But I have realized that if I were to do all that I am responsible for, single handedly.. I would probably die. However, each program is set up in a way where there are teams of people. There are others who are eager to be a part of this thing, who are yearning to love in the ways that I myself have been called as well. This is brilliant! This is the body of Christ!
- And a note to all those people; thank you so much! Thank you for your energy, your desire, & your love for serving. It is beautiful & I am so glad to be a part of these programs with you.

b. The art of asking – needing resources: The after school program is run through a non-profit organization. This means that as much as we can, we have to get help.. free help. So this past weekend I went around town and asked a few companies for some donations. It was beautiful! I simply asked, stating my need & watched as each place in turn opened up their registers & gave:
- Foods Co gave me a $25 gift card
- I got 25, $5 pumpkins for 15 bucks total
- A dry cleaner donated 22 hangers
- & soon I’m off to talk to a manager about donating snacks for the year

craters.

As we try to fill our "God shaped Holes" with people, we find ourselves frustrated and empty.
But when we turn to God, we find our hearts open to people and discover our need for them more than ever before.

We need each other; we need people; we need community; we need relationship; we need God.
These are all interconnected, and they flow in all directions.

And I'm thinking that a certain part of life involves figuring out what goes where.
Once we know how to fill the God Holes, with stuff that God should fill . . . the other voids will be filled .
A visual just came to mind:
So there is this giant crater (God shaped hole)
But within this giant crater are tiny little craters (normal life worries: job, school, relationships).
Often we are distracted by the tiny little craters. We focus on getting them filled.
Then after they are filled we look at the giant crater and work on filling it. All the while, little bundles of tiny craters keep popping up to distract.
But what if we just fill the giant crater (Fill that hole with the Lord). There is a chain reaction that happens, we no longer have to individually care for the tiny holes.
I mean, yes.. the tiny holes will still be created. But because the giant hole is filled, it will step in and fill the random little holes. All the while we just have to remain focused on keeping the giant hole filled.

Thoughts?!

Sorry, you're just not good enough.

I'm dealing with feelings of inadequacy; & currently I feel that God has given me a bigger task & is now trusting me to make it happen. But I can't, I don't know what I'm doing, what if I mess up!

“Hey Bree, don’t worry; you’re too tiny to get in the way of where the Holy Spirit is moving”.

So we are invited to follow the Lord. And even as our tasks get bigger & our responsibilities increase, we are still just following Him.

We were talking last night about delegation & Josh said “never ask anyone to do what you yourself would not.” With this, I’m not saying that God has asked me to do something he wouldn’t. But the fact that this after school program is one of the biggest things God has asked me to do thus far; it’s tempting to think that he’s letting me do it alone. That he trusts me enough to get it done alone. But that’s not right at all. God wouldn’t ask me to do something that he himself would not. Now, although he may see that I am capable; what he sees is not my ability to accomplish such a feat alone. Yes, he sees that I am ready to leave the bunny hill I’ve been at & go with him down the real mountain; but the point is that it’s not just me. At no point has he left me, nor will he leave me.

I will never be good enough to do this alone.

I will never be good enough to do anything alone,

& this fact is so encouraging!

I may get better at following; but I’ll never have enough “get better” moments where I can lead without following Him first. And I don’t even need to be good enough to do anything without the Lord!

So I shall stop worrying & keep following.

Following is what got me here in the first place, & following is what’s gonna keep me going!

Dear Satan,

I will not listen to your lies about how I am inadequate & that I am alone in all this. You have no authority & your words are just so silly. You see, Christ has died for me. His blood was shed for me, & in His Holy Name I am perfectly adequate. He lives in me & with that:

I will not be tempted by worry – 1 Peter 5:7

I will not sit in fear – 1 John 4:18

Dear Father,

I apologize that I am so easily enticed by the lies of the Evil One. However, I aim to more intentionally see you. I don’t want to take you for advantage; so I would like to actively seek to see how you are good. I would like to be familiar with the power you have instilled in me; through the Spirit you have given to live in me, & for me to live by:

I follow you – Mark 1:17.18

I rest in you – Matthew 11:28

I am not alone – Deuteronomy 31:6

You are my joy – Nehemiah 8:10

In you I have peace – Romans 5:1.2

You are my confidence – Hebrews 10:19.20.21.22.35

Through You I can love – 1 John 4:19

I may not be good enough to lead alone; but I am not inadequate where I lead because I’m indeed, not alone.

Let Love Flow

So when loving gets too hard, simply let Love love.

The idea that we try really hard to love [others, ourselves, God].
But the harder we try to love, the more difficult it becomes.
I think this is because we are focused too much on the outward motion of love.
But we have to be aware that if we are not first receiving the love God has for us, then we have nothing to give.

We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:19

When things get hard, people seem unlovable, and it feels that everything you put your mind to is a failure; take a step back and sit in the love God has for you.
It is here, & only here; with his love pouring through your soul, that you can rest.
You can feel love.
You can feel Love.
Then loving will come. Love for God, self, and others.

ramble ramble

Everyone has left.

Peace be with them.

I am story writing.

The dryer was the only noise

[aside from the taping of my fingers on the keys].

Not even that remains.

The silence is loud.

Funny how that is,

loud silence.

I mean, I guess it could make sense

but really, I think it’s mainly to do

with the fact that we are constantly

surrounded with things. With noise.

So to have NOthing

is just too much,

of too little.

I had workouts today.

We exercised love.

We are aren’t quite there yet,

but hey, practice makes.. better!

Repetition is a key.

.

the "up" soundtrack is so lively!
brian has loaned us his ping pong table,
thanks friend.
we have a comfty couch & a comfy chair,
thanks strong friends aaron & ben.
i am so sore from working out,
but i feel a bit more strong.
my dad & i have been talking,
it has been really peaceful.
lord you are good.
you hold us up,
you comfort us.
you rejoice with us,
you are our reason for rejoicing.
i love you,
and i will continue to let you love me.

----------

we watched blues clues today & it was such great fun!! promise noted that steve (i dunno if that is his real name, but either way!) started the show as a joke & carried it into reality
-- that really is how great ideas begin --
so yes! it was just fun to watch this guy (who was our age when he was on the show) just moving about on the screen having a gay ol' time!! i would love to be his friend! then i realized that any of our friends would probably do something like this if they were given the opportunity!!!
:)

on the bright side!

the bright side is all that matters :)

sometimes.

sometimes it doesn't matter how much exciting & good things are happening in my life.
if there is "just that one part" that isn't right, i feel like crap.
i know that it is not the good that i do that defines me.
but the bad stuff, no matter if its just one instance, seems to take over whenever it is present.
even if there is tons more good.
that sucks.
i feel like crap.
but in the back of my mind, i know that this will work out.
yea its hard, yea its probably gonna rip me apart.
no matter how out of control it seems, god is gonna pull through.
this is gonna hurt, but that is life i suppose.

on the bright side:
- god is big
- god is compassionate
- god teaches & stretches & grows us
- he leads & he loves

Thoughts, Part I

Inspired to write after talking this out a bit with Terri.
There is a lot here.
It is semi-incomplete thinking.
But I hope that what is here makes sense!
If it doesn’t then just stop reading and ask me in person (it is quite late)..
:)

Nelson Mandela
*************
Our deepest fear is not that we are
inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small
doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won t feel insecure
around you.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us;
it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission
to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

The direction we were going was along these lines:
- If “inadequacy” is not what I fear, & being “powerful beyond measure” is; then what is “powerful beyond measure”?
- Assuming “inadequacy” comes from Satan, could I safely say that “powerful beyond measure” comes from the LORD?
- And assuming that “our light” is God & everything good, why do I fear that more than I fear “our darkness”; which I take to mean Satan & all that is not of God?

Why does our light frighten us the most & not our darkness? That doesn’t really make much sense. Shouldn’t the things inside us that are FAR from the character of God, scare us the most?!
As Christians we are constantly striving to be better, to be “more like Jesus”. In those actions we seem to be afraid of the darkness in us.
But here, Nelson claims that we are not afraid of that darkness.. he says that we are afraid of our light. We are frightened by our light.
If we are frightened by our light, why do we strive so much to be like Him (our Light?!)? … sit on that for a second.

- Why does our light frighten us the most & not our darkness?
- Why does Nelson say that my deepest fear is not inadequacy, but is in fact that I am powerful beyond measure?
- What does it mean to be “powerful beyond measure”?
- In what situations have I “shrank so that other people wouldn’t feel insecure around me”?
- If we were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us, why does God’s power scare us?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
….
Fear comes from Satan. It is not of the Lord. Yet still it has such a huge rule in our lives. In mine I have recognized a fear of inadequacy (which is the main reason this passage caught my attention!).
Inadequacy is something that I have experience with.
I feel inadequate in the ways that I relate with other people (will they like me, am I enough for them, am I needed by them; even more, am I wanted by them?) these are the questions that I ask myself in the midst of feeling inadequate.
Then I come across this passage & I am told that I do not fear that I am inadequate!? What?! Yes I do! I feel very inadequate & that scares me!
Oiy!... Well alright Nelson, what are you saying here???

[so I play into the game, even if for a second...]
So now [accepting that] I [do] fear that I am powerful beyond measure [and do not fear that I am inadequate]; I am just a tad confused…
Ok?! Well, power seems to be quite the opposite of inadequacy.
I immediately assume that someone who is powerful beyond measure would be confident!
But wait.. then I thought some more..
Powerful beyond measure.
Ok.. As humans we have a scale of power.
- We see people who own their own house – power
- We see people who own their own restaurant – more power
- Then there are the people who own their own company.. huge companies (Bill Gates status) – very powerful
The thing though is this. Each of these “stages of power” can be measured.. Bill gates, compared to the house owner is VERY POWERFUL!! But the statement “powerful beyond measure”. That doesn’t fit into this little scale that we as humans are familiar with. Powerful BEYOND measure”.
- What does that look like?
- Where on that scale is “beyond measure”??!
As I sit on the thought that “powerful beyond measure” is beyond my realm of thought… things start to fall into place for me.
I see that things outside of our scales, or realms of familiarity are in fact scary.
Measure is comfortable. It is something we know.
Beyond measure is uncomfortable. It is unfamiliar.
Inadequacy can be measured. There is a line that says whether something is good enough or not.
….
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
….
Nelson declares that this inadequacy; which we have experienced, which we can measure; is not what we fear.
We instead fear this power; it is new & beyond any power we have ever been able to measure. This power that most of us have never experienced.

This Power; that we were born with, is what we fear.
Despite the fact that it is good, we don’t know how it works; It is unfamiliar & scary.
Sitting in the fear of inadequacy is familiar, we know how to work through it, we know how to deal with it.
It is much more comfortable to sit in this familiarity of fear than it is stretch and experience this immeasurable power that the Lord has for us. That we were born to share with the world!!

Inadequacy is comfortable. It is something we know.
Beyond measure is uncomfortable. It is unfamiliar.
We don’t normally fear the familiar,
It is the unfamiliar that gets us shakin’ in our boots!

It is starting to make a bit more sense now.
Inadequacy is a lie. Once I see this I can call Satan out & surrender to God. I am still not comfortable with the unfamiliar, of the new; of this Power of God. But I no longer fear that I am inadequate. Because although I, Bree, AM inadequate. I have the Lord of the universe alive in me. Therefore, I am not inadequate. I am just not sure how to use this power that is beyond my realm of understanding.

”I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” (john 14:12)

“Let’s abandon fear & step up to that call
Move on to something better
Live on for something better”
- dominic balli

Ok, I’m done for now… but there is so much more thought that I have for this…
:)

I'm pondering this:

The following was said of a professor: "This guy is great! He loves what he does, and he loves his students.. he is honest too! But more than that; he understands the great responsibility that comes with being honest."

understand the great responsibility that comes with being honest

peace::.

mission accomplished. im feeling pretty good about this.!

the chipotle i had for lunch came with a side of beautiful company & wonderful talkage.

fact. i may or may not have just figured out why our pool is green.
oh! and fixed the possible issue :)

the smell of rain is oober calming... mmm..

i am off to sac town again.
its is our last tourney of the season.
for this i am thankful! i will not be coaching for clovis again. don't get me wrong! it was a good run, i learned a lot.. ... a lot about coaching, what to do; what not to do. i also did a lot of stepping out of comfort zones, which was fun!
i HAVE enjoyed it. and the girls are wonderful, but i am not feeling the need to remain there.
i have accomplished what was necessary!?
huh.. ill think this through laterishly soon!

anyways.. :) i want to leave you all with this!
enjoy today, its not often we get a warm &gentle rain.


although is it true??: that there was a thunder storm!
i wish i hadn't of missed it!

must pack! must pack! and clean some!!

so i am stoked outta my mind! me and halfie are off to santa barbara today! road trip!! im thinking we should stop at Dewars in bakersfield (i believe it is right off the freeway) and get some of those peanut butter candies for the weekend!!
but yes! i need to pack and clean my room a bit. Ii hate coming home after being gone, and your room is all messy. its not very inspiring. then you never end up emptying the suitcase and you live out of it till your next trip (a least thats what i have done since the volleyball tourney in sac town . . .. ) yeaa.
but anyways!! i am excited! i shall see you soon alana, and halfie i will see you even sooner! i actually believe i will see both of you before you see this note!!
oh! and ataloa! i love you a lot and want to have coffee (or tea!) soon. see how you are doing and such!!
god is good.
he has sent beautiful weather for a road trip.
im thinking windows down all the way (full enjoyment factor) . . . . . maybe a ponytail is in order
:)

&beauty

so today i was driving a lot . . . . but it was wonderful!!
the first little moment that i appreciated was while driving past a junior high school. it was probably the last period of the day, the janitors were getting things out of their closet to get ready to clean up the halls for the day. well one of them was playing on the monkey bars. it made me happy to see such abandon! such carefree living in an adult women! i feel that i dont see that as often as i would like. thanks for her joy :)
then i was driving some more, on my way home to see the fam for the evening. as i was heading over the pass above the railroad tracks on herndon; i caught a glimpse of the mountains in my rear view mirror. i was in awe. i made a u-turn to go and see it again. (fortunately i was able to drive slowly cause nobody was behind me.) i have never seen the mountains so beautiful! seriously! i could see them as far as they went, north to south. with the windows down the air was so crisp. it was truly magnificent.
its days like today that i love. i feel that so often our society, our culture, doesn't allow us to experience life the way God intended. not always but often. adults have to be mature. or at least act like they are mature...
but then the rain falls.
it washes the air clean
and we can breathe again.
we abandon fear,
the cares of how we are "supposed" to act
we just simply live
and enjoy this beautiful view
this view that was made for us
the people of fresno.

thanks jesus!!
:)

now i shall go enjoy my mom and my sister. they will be arriving home soon.